An unwanted club

John and I finally confirmed recently that he was not selected for the Hawaii position (that we initially thought had been offered to him- naive us!) While we were a bit disappointed, okay, maybe more than a bit, we are okay with this.  I would have had to give up my BYUI adjunct teaching, which is something I would have been willing to do, but I love doing it, and am glad I can continue to do so.  It would have been a crazy, hectic period and we would have had to rehome our sweet cat, Jingles, so not dealing with that is a blessing.  All in all, after the initial excitement we never felt strongly about the job, either way.  So we were quite willing to accept whatever happened.  John is pursuing a number of other job leads currently, and who knows what the future holds. 

I WAS rather upset this week when I realized we are joining a club I never thought we'd be a part of: The long term unemployed.  It has now been six months since John's job loss and it is only through government assistance, some savings planning (thank you tax refund due to our family size!) and the grace of God that we are staying afloat.  I look at my awesome husband and it pains me to know that nobody has snatched him up yet.  4 interviews, 250 federal job application, dozens of federal job referrals, who knows how many other applications, dozens of job fairs, and a few random phone calls/emails out of the blue later we are still in the same miserable, uncertain place.  As baby Matthew continues to grow and my pregnancy progress I am becoming more strained with the situation.  Nobody wants to bring a baby into a difficult situation.  Luckily we don't need much but it's awkward to know that I can't even buy the car seat we need without feeling a pang of guilt as it brings our accounts that little bit lower. 

The saving grace in this situation:  I'm going through it with my favorite person.  I was speaking to John last night after a rough day.  I told him how helpless I feel, the weight of the financial anxiety and uncertainty over what the future holds.  How trapped I feel knowing that we cannot afford the 8 passenger vehicle I need so once baby Matthew arrives I will literally be trapped at home with my (delightful) crew except for the times that John and I can go out together taking two vehicles.  It makes me hyperventilate just thinking about it.  John listened patiently, not trying to fix things. Maybe ten years of marriage is beginning to teach him something ( ; 
Then he shared a memory.  On our short honeymoon while we were in Fresno with his family we went to a local water park.  They had a number of rides and I, being the adrenaline junkie I am, wanted to go on a tubing ride that was similar to a half pipe.  You rode the tube down a big U shaped thing, down a steep slope and up so high that you thought you would surely flip off.  John is NOT a rides person, but since it was our honeymoon he wanted to be with me and agreed to it with just a bit of trepidation.  He shared how as we reached the height and he was sure he was facing certain death, or going to leave his life with an incapacitated quadriplegic husband, his thoughts were "At least we're doing this together".  We're still on a wild ride, I know unemployment is not the end of the world, and there are always worse situations, but frankly, it sucks.  But, we're doing it together.  We have our faith and each other and I am so grateful for the counterbalance we provide each other, keeping each other motivated and positive and working together to make the best out of any situation we find ourselves in. 

I'm hoping for more answers soon, so I don't suffer a nervous breakdown before this baby comes, but even if none come we'll still manage somehow.  Our world may crumble around us, but I know we'll have a roof over our heads (even if it's our parents in a year), food in our bellies, and each other.  Here's to continued hope and a pleasant summer.